whatever happened to you?

current state: social phobia. characterised by panic attacks and unfounded fears of being around big crowds or going out and meeting other people. (not its scientific description or symptom)

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i just had a phone conversation with a friend tonight giving her a hundred and one excuses why i plan on not turning up to our friends' do. All true, the excuses: ranging from tiredness from Adrian's party last night, need to finish my dissertation, need to call my family and i need to rest. All true, but it lacked another reason, perhaps the most true of all: i am so unmotivated.

Too unmotivated to dress up, too unmotivated to be in a big crowd, too unmotivated to do anything,anywhere and be with anyone other than my husband.

But, she being a close friend said: YOU will come out, its good for you!

I do/could not disagree.

(a very old photo..so old i think it was my past life.)

Whatever happened to me? the girl who loved to go out? to dress up? to party and be with a crowd? Recently, i have just been giving excuses after excuses not to see people. (even my husband is worried about me and is constantly "in ploy" with my friends to take me out).

In my profession, one model of treatment we use is the Model of Creative ability--a south african model of treating clients (specifically in mental health) which makes an important case about how when someone's ability to socialise is a demarcation of one's mental health decline (of course, depending on one's previous social ability prior to diagnoses of illness). If i base it on that, its clearly a sign i have regressed in my mental health. (one downside: i diagnose and treat myself).

I have become withdrawn, less sociable and drops out of social (face-to-face) contact.

Maybe it doesn't help that i have been very busy? It also doesn't help i have been annoyed at certain micro developments in my recent life (read: 32 GB SanDisk memory card corruption, post office mishaps, but im trying to put it behind me now).

This annoyance and disgruntlement on recent situations has all an effect on my well-being.

Why am i good at treating my clients, and telling them what to do? and here i am, knowing fully well what is good with me, just blatantly ignore the obvious and allow to be brought down by my work (university and paid)? perhaps,we are our own best critics yet our own worst doctors.

So tonight, i will go, albeit short and sweet. Not staying too long, but at least its one step to my rehabilitation.

Thesis be damned!

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[note: in no way i am advocating going out/partying as a means of one's betterment for their mental health. this is a personal case. as in my situation, i am a very sociable, and outgoing person, and suddenly to withdraw from certain (important) events or activities consecutively for the past months is a definite highlight on a decline of 'social' functions as an individual (me).

so if your personality is more introvert and generally a loner, or have less desire to go out, there's nothing wrong with that.

its when a change in social function impinges on one's health; physical or mental, then, there lies the problem.]

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