whatever happened to you?

current state: social phobia. characterised by panic attacks and unfounded fears of being around big crowds or going out and meeting other people. (not its scientific description or symptom)

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i just had a phone conversation with a friend tonight giving her a hundred and one excuses why i plan on not turning up to our friends' do. All true, the excuses: ranging from tiredness from Adrian's party last night, need to finish my dissertation, need to call my family and i need to rest. All true, but it lacked another reason, perhaps the most true of all: i am so unmotivated.

Too unmotivated to dress up, too unmotivated to be in a big crowd, too unmotivated to do anything,anywhere and be with anyone other than my husband.

But, she being a close friend said: YOU will come out, its good for you!

I do/could not disagree.

(a very old photo..so old i think it was my past life.)

Whatever happened to me? the girl who loved to go out? to dress up? to party and be with a crowd? Recently, i have just been giving excuses after excuses not to see people. (even my husband is worried about me and is constantly "in ploy" with my friends to take me out).

In my profession, one model of treatment we use is the Model of Creative ability--a south african model of treating clients (specifically in mental health) which makes an important case about how when someone's ability to socialise is a demarcation of one's mental health decline (of course, depending on one's previous social ability prior to diagnoses of illness). If i base it on that, its clearly a sign i have regressed in my mental health. (one downside: i diagnose and treat myself).

I have become withdrawn, less sociable and drops out of social (face-to-face) contact.

Maybe it doesn't help that i have been very busy? It also doesn't help i have been annoyed at certain micro developments in my recent life (read: 32 GB SanDisk memory card corruption, post office mishaps, but im trying to put it behind me now).

This annoyance and disgruntlement on recent situations has all an effect on my well-being.

Why am i good at treating my clients, and telling them what to do? and here i am, knowing fully well what is good with me, just blatantly ignore the obvious and allow to be brought down by my work (university and paid)? perhaps,we are our own best critics yet our own worst doctors.

So tonight, i will go, albeit short and sweet. Not staying too long, but at least its one step to my rehabilitation.

Thesis be damned!

**

[note: in no way i am advocating going out/partying as a means of one's betterment for their mental health. this is a personal case. as in my situation, i am a very sociable, and outgoing person, and suddenly to withdraw from certain (important) events or activities consecutively for the past months is a definite highlight on a decline of 'social' functions as an individual (me).

so if your personality is more introvert and generally a loner, or have less desire to go out, there's nothing wrong with that.

its when a change in social function impinges on one's health; physical or mental, then, there lies the problem.]

**

how do you like your babies?

you know, adrian asks me most weekend: "how do you like your toast?"

i normally say: " french please".

and the answer to the title will be, 'french', as you can imagine after stumbling upon this adorable french bebe online.

her name is Capucine. and she is ADORABLE,in big bold letterS!

Once upon a time... from Capucha on Vimeo.

listen to her tell a story..i think i watched this video 10 x now, and i still love listening to her speak.


**

im about to head for bed and catch some ZZzs. this video is one great story teller, oui?


bon nuit!

whats up with moi?

oh dear. where do i start? maybe id spill it out.

IM SO STRESSED.

there i said it. i am in the middle of my FINAL dissertation. its only 9T words, but there lies the problem. i have a problem of knowing which ones to cut out. i want to give my research its bone and meat. not the air.

plus, its adrian's birthday, and work. its less stressful than uni work, but its added worries in my brain.

so im rarely online.



**

what's new?

well, not much, except, the more words i add to my research, the more poundage i gain. i eat when im stressed. (but you know that already).

a recent picture of me..

**

i said to Kharla over the phone, i will not buy new clothes until i lose the/some weight. she said: "murag dugay dugay pa gyud ka kapalit ug bag-o nga dress ana dah!".

okey, i get it. thanks karl. (wahaha)


**

and good news:

My brother is engaged! i am so happy for him (and zette) . and his wedding is something i look forward to to my homecoming this year.

we spoke for a long time on the phone and he let me hear some great OPM songs he wishes on his day. (giuna gyud ang music no? thats one thing about me and my sibs. we love our music. and its an ecclectic collection)

sigh, i miss all my siblings. they're a funny and loving bunch. im so lucky to have them.

a pic of roi and suzette in our last holiday in boracay. im excited to have another sister. yaaayyy!

phone photo dump week..

archiving.

yes. call it that. (or just phone photo dumping)


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me,me, me...new year photos

new year celebration photos

starter yumm

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italian dinner last week

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date night with A

L: baggy-yo..R:canuseemradrianandmissragen?

le pain quotidien snackaboo..

make-up stops..needed some stocks for my girly room..carnaby street

L: isthatme? selfportrait in the toilet..waiting for the cubicle to be free (LOL)..R: bookywoky in Waterstones

L: paperchase bride and groom card..cute....R: on the train home

manggang hilaw and bagoong..

L: tesco shopping..midweek shop...R: stopping at a rail crossing

**

phew..i need to get rid of 300++ photos on my phone..this is a good way to archive them, doncha tink?

an afternoon at st.john's wood

one sunday after church (2nd of January) , Adrian and i had a business meeting in St.John's wood, a nice residential area in London.

after the meeting, it was mini date for Adrian and i to kill time in the area.


***

a coffee after the meeting..

he loves to enunciate.

Carluccio's..Adrian and i love taking friends there. Because they have lovely pasta and wine. and the deli is just absolutely a treasure of yummy treats.

Sundays is a lovely day to have a quiet dinner in the city. Its not too crowded with people. And no queues more or less.

We wanted to eat at Richoux but when we got in, there were 2 couples (4 people) before us waiting for a table. We couldnt wait. So we looked for a different place. When in St.John's place, variety of food is not a problem.

and then dinner:-) eventually

we went to Greek restaurant called Sofra.

***

photos from the digicam and the phone..

coffee pics

L:a pic of me..i sat beside a mirrored wall..R: mixed meze starter

chicken dish...it tasted like chicken afritada

L: my chicken dish..R: Adrian's moussaka

Adrian liked his meal

L: my creme brulee..R: his lemon sorbet

this was too rich..ive tasted better creme brulees than this.

***

tomorrow, Adrian is taking me to lunch. he's trying to cheer up my homesickness.

wherever it may be, i really dont mind, because cliche as it may sound, its not the destination that matters, its who you're in the journey with.

Happy Sinulog, everyone!

having him close

my father loved radio, since i could remember (among many other things, he was virtually a man of many interests from reading, movies and other hobbies). but radio was our bond. we were the ones in the family who hovered and made use of the radio for various reasons.


he listens to the news,he listens to music and has his radio turned on every waking hour of his day, (esp in the last few years of his life) from morning til early hours in the next morning. the first thing you could hear in the wee hours of the morning, is the music on his radio which he keeps close to him, which signals normally he was already awake, or he and my mama would be talking.

i still long for my father, until now. i miss talking to him, and making him laugh over the phone. i miss that.

but i am thankful i have so many memories to relive about him. and because of these memories we have our secret language from here to wherever he is.


**

whenever i hear this song, i am always reminded of early mornings woken up by this particular song softly blaring from papa's radio.





whenever i hear this song from Debbie Reynolds, it reminds me of memories of papa listening to some AM station autoplaying pre-programmed repetitive playlist.

it holds many memories of being close to him, even if he was in another part of the house (in the kitchen) but knowing we were in one roof, safe and we will be sharing later on a day together.


this time,i woke up in the middle of a disturbed sleep, i accidentally listened to "Tammy's in love" from a classics channel, it brought some wonderful feelings. i miss him so much. and although it saddens me knowing that in the daybreak, i wont get to chat to him and share breakfast with him, we are still connected.

this is him and i, communicating.


**




if your fathers are still alive, hug them, make a point to try to be close to them. build alot of memories with him so that they could still be close even if when they're far.

his birthday last year

the man of the house is going to celebrate his birthday soon.

i thought of things to do for his birthday, and then i remembered i have not posted photos from last year. i could not find the dinner photos, but i did find the breakfast photos (because he worked on his birthday).

presents on the table

he woke up to a hurriedly done menu for his breakfast..you got to give a man a choice on his birthday,haha:-)

opening his birthday gifts

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i was up late last night, thinking of other creative ways of celebrating his birthday and other gifts i could give him. (i suppose, the lesser money you have to blow on gifts, the more difficult it is,which is the case,hehehe)..

but, knowing him, he cares less about his birthday, unlike me,who have been the most excited.

plus, he thought he already got his birthday present.

{ recent photo of him on Monday night, 10th Jan, picking a book for his birthday. he loves making bread, i love eating them}

**

old photos,still new memories

..because i miss all the people in it:-) (bar myself and adrian for obvious reasons,hehe)

(not in photos: cousins Joan,Sean,Genoy,etc)

and i'm excited because i will be spending time with them again this year.

im excited that even before then, we have plans laid out for the reunion.


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in one of our impromptu-"hey where are you,lets meet up"-phonecall-and meet-up:



food is a big gathering for us..





me and the ever-loyal-ever-efficient-ever reliable bestfriend of all seasons.





this photo will always remind me of a funny story why Ana arrived late...a big laughter ensued after Kharla translated the story to Adrian..some things get lost (or altered) in translation.

riske.

i do miss them and the constant chatter around food.

{photos: early 2007 }

that among many other things, i am looking forward to, this year.

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are you excited about something this year?

windswept

..and taken.

***

{excuse the bin bag beside me, lol}