gotta change

im taking stock of myself lately.

all the self-reflections, the thinking and self admonishing, it all points out to "change".

so many things need to change that it scares me because it just shows how wrong and how uncool i was.


-first and foremost, i need to change my eating habits. but i will not bore you how.

-secondly, my spending habits. i have been buying alot of toot and junk, i dont even use. jsut because they look "cute" or one of my hoarding fetish (read: paper, pens, make up, cutleries,books, etc).

-third, the way i am.

there is being emotionally available. for each and everyone around me. and there is too non dsicriminating emotional- availability that causes self destrcution.

and because of that i expect the same. in reality, that doesnt happen. because thats just impossible.

and the very people who could give you that day in and day out, you dont even appreciate it (my husband).

i need to start focusing and being more attentive and more grateful to people who give me time and attention generously.

first off: Adrian--who never waivers. who never falters. who never stops.

and to people who have always been there from the very beginning.

and in doing so, change in being too demanding, and being too clingy and needy. i shall not be that anymore. its ugly, its self demeaning, and i just end up losing respect for myself.

just saying that, makes me cringe.


-"me" time. i need to be more selfish to be selfless. i cant give something unless i have it. i cannot be happy for someone, if i exhausted up myself to that point of unhappiness.


-emulate Adrian. my sister Ana always said that she loves Adrian's nonchalant attitude. I do too. I am so in awe how he doesnt care what people think. Most of the time, he is oblivious to it. While i am the exact opposite, Maybe thats why my husband is such a "happy" chillled relaxed person, because he caters to his own happiness, and his needs and not caring what others think.


-and i need to stop buying high heels (stilleto -type). nuff said.

(no matter what, i can never wear one, after 1 hour of being in them. i have lost the window of opportunity in my twenties, and now, im doomed to flats and, if lucky and with the right trousers, just platform heels).


***

there are so many more changes i want to mention but i could only keep it to myself for the meantime.


and with that, let the evolution begin.