hello, stranger.

lately, i have been drawing inspiration from others. from the most profilic of bloggers amongst my friends and some popular ones who do not know me from adam.

but nothing has kicked me to get off my bottom to write and update this neglected space. because everytime i draw inspiration, i erase back what i have written because it did not feel right. 

i read my blog, and heard myself again. somehow, i was inspired to write again. (albeit a short one like this)

maybe, i have not listened to my own thoughts for so long that i have forgotten how i sound like anymore. and when i recognized myself from my blogs, and laughed at my own mistakes, and my unperfect grammar, and chaotic writing, i relished the person that i recognised. i actually miss her.

im glad to be able to inspire me this time.

here's to trying to live in here again.

Sunday Morning, awaiting... snow?

It's the second Sunday of the month, and news are circulating about impending big snow in the country.

When i do not doubt the veracity of the weather news, i am also thanking the heavens that we are experiencing a mild ( and even sunny!) weekend. I am sure the rest of the country is having snow at the moment while I am having a nice warm weekend (well, warm in winter standards).

Adrian and i tend not to plan anything for snowy or really cold weather because of the traffic and possible disruptions on the road. Hence, this weekend was supposed to be an indoor weekend. To top it all, it's supposedly a rest from a really emotional weekend we had just last week after his son had an accident (he is far from being critical now, thank you, God).

Quarter of Saturday was spent in my pyjamas and i was eventually persuaded by Adrian to go to the shops to buy food. The night was spent snuggling to watch and catch up on our box sets. (and watching DVDs from friends and family who gave us them as christmas presents).

Today, i sit here in the comfort of our tiny living room, second lot of washing done (i love the whirring sound of the washing machine, don't you?), while i sip my coffee. I wait 'til Adrian wakes up from his beauty sleep for me to start our brunch.

The rest of the afternoon has to wait and see. I'll let the weather decide for me.

from the condensation on the windows, you can tell how cold it is outside. 

while it's warm inside the house.

excuse the "sinampays" on the radiators (behind the couch). 

we resort to hanging our clothes on warm radiators as we cant hang them outside

about weight and losing it (a very long essay)

The Before and After Photos:

Older photos:

i must have been thinking : burger or sausage bun? burger? or sausage bun?

we were probably laughing at our cuteness,lol.

i was even 'slim' in my mind in that photo.

i thought i hid my bulges well. and that was hiding it.

no amount of expensive designer kaftans can cover my jellies up.

we're sexy and we know it (lol)

i must have been pregnant here. oh wait, i was never pregnant!lol.

MORE RECENT ones:

taken last month. i woke up and thought, "goodness, i am a goddess"

i felt great within myself taking this pic.

shattered from work,but what the hell,im slimmer, it needs a photo op!

this afternoon. just before i traipsed around town. all size 14 of me.

**

i think the best way to break a dry blog curse is diving in head first and getting dirty. when i mean dirty ,i mean being down pat to the most urgent and current situation that i'm in at the moment.

well, as most of u my dear blog readers (all thousands of you *hehehe*) know that i am in the throes of a weightloss mania. so far,im still riding the mania high. until how long, i do not know,but if it were just up to my good fortune, i will continue this till kingdom come. but then again, history says, i am not that good with maintaining what i started, this blog included (touche').

so far, im on my 9th month of this 'active/exercise lifestyle'. i started at 92.8 kgs and as of tonight's weigh in, i am 76 kgs. great? great! but there lies the divide. if u asked me years ago , 9 months to lose all these weight was too long. i was always a fan of quick schemes. the three-day diet/the three month super cut body. the overnight 2 pound weightloss. the 6-6 diet. the lose 10 pounds in 10 days, etc. (oh the yo-yo! i guess that can contribute surely to early diabetes, as fluctuations in sugar that quick is not good).

but all through these years, successful those diets/schemes may have been on me, they have not lasted, and they were painful. i had to sacrifice a lot. not eating at certain times, not eating rice, not eating sweets, not doing this,etc,etc.

alas! fast forward to being mature and much more resigned to 'health' than 'fashion/waif' reasons for dieting/exercise, i have found the not-so-quick scheme but a more doable and more enduring way to losing the excess poundage.

i am not there yet (hell,no!) and may not reach my size 10 UK dreams (thats size 6 US for you Forever 21 fans, bwehe!), but then, if at the end of this all, i have exercised all my cellulites out of my derrier, then maybe, maybe, i have succeeded still in my own quirky way.

so how did i manage so far?

here are some unsolicited tips for you who are planning to join me in this journey. (please do, exercise and losing weight the healthy way is boring on your own). PS> these are why it worked for me. So if you are like me, this may work with you,too.

-Tip 1) Ditch the "QUICK" word- Rome wasnt built in a day. So is the Goddess in you that's waiting to come out. Any self-respecting adiposa (fat, my dear lovelies) will always fight twice faster the time u lost it. The human body is not meant to lose weight for 2 pounds a week, but ok, i am with you when you think thats too slow, so maybe, let's make that 4 lbs a week. So that means, your means of losing the fats should maintain your water/fluid balance (you are not allowed to be dehydrated), you are not allowed to be ultra hungry (a little bit hungry is ok) ,thus, the other end of the spectrum of being overly-full is not allowed either.

Think of this as a lifestyle plan for lifetime. Once you get into this thing, you are into this hook,line and sinker. No turning back. Ok, period of rests are allowed but no more than a week, or else you are back to square one.


- Tip 2) Ditch the 'diet". what diet are you on? Anything that has the word "diet" attached to it, is never trustworthy. It normally is associated with tip number 1: the quick scheme. Breakfast, lunch, dinner, and maybe a pre-exercise snack is needed, go ahead. Do not starve yourself. The body will think that is your 'normal' so it stores your fats for safekeeping, but as soon as you attend the next meal invite by your girlfriends, or the next birthday party you need to drop in on, the body sucks in all of what you ate and will hang on to it for dear life. Be sensible. So you're hungry? Eat. Your stomach is growling? Make sure its not just gas, or else,the toilet is yours. When was the last time you had a meal? 4 hours ago? Go ahead. Have a banana if its not yet meal time. Ok, two bananas if you're really hungry. Add in a packet of skyflakes if it helps, but remember, you still have that dinner meet-up with officemates tonight, hala ka!

(getting into this mindset takes time. it is basically about habit-formation and retraining your brain. most big eaters normally just think they are hungry, so when we learn to train our thoughts that if its not meal times yet,we are not yet hungry, then it will get easier. if you know the answer how to do it, buzz me. this is also where i struggle).

- Tip 3) Move that bootey. Exercise, exercise, exercise, my loves. No two ways about it. I have been living in England approximately 9 years now, believe it or not, i eat lesser number of meals when i moved here and ate more veggies. And there was even a time, i had so little appetite, that i would only eat once a day, yet i was gaining more and more each time. Calorie-wise, maybe i was only eating 2-3T calories (maybe), but then again, i was sedentary. I was on my computer when i was at home, and munched on snacks. It all sits in the belly.

My brother's tip: (he's a gym instructor) is, a if you want to lose the weight: Exercise 4x a week at least,and do cardio exercises that gets your heart rate really fast. (more definite details on how to compute your HR at a level where you are most productive at fat burning on another time). The exercise should also be at least 45 minutes. To maintain, exercise 3-2x a week.

I *go to the gym (*aim) 4x a week. I would prefer to go 5x a week but my job is a very physically demanding job (i do rehab treatment on people who are paralysed so it somehow involves some muscular movement/exercise, so the 5th day is forgiven via the job).

I allocate 2 hours in the gym everytime. 40 minutes for the crosstrainer, 40 minutes on the treadmill (so thats 80 minutes cardio). and i do 20 minutes on shoulders/arm weights. and 20 minutes for changing/loo times/and vanity photography shots in the locker room (hahaha!).

i started out only with 15 minutes on the treadmill, and 10 minutes on the crosstrainer in the 8th of November, 2011. I only started weight-training on my arms a month ago. Your body starts to crave more. Your muscles gets used to the burn and it will crave for more, so you will build up accordingly.

Annnd! it doesnt have to be the gym really. It can be swimming, dancing or anything. I heard once, a Filipina actress who once was heavy-set lost all her weight when she decided enough is enough and got up every morning at the crack of dawn to do dancing. Yes, she just danced. Danced until she could not dance anymore. But then again, it has to be at least 45 minutes of exercise 4-5x a week to show results. How about swimming? Aqua aerobics, running, jogging, brisk walking (remember Charlotte from Sex and the City? she did brisk walking a few times a week in Central Park, why not go to your nearest park or your local subdivision, and do brisk walking? Doable? go ahead!). Cycling? Badminton? Cleaning your house? Exercise DVDs! years ago, i also lost a lot of weight before just doing Taebo exercises via a pirated DVD that was given to me as a present. But a few months after that, i got promoted in the radio station i worked in, and i got too busy to exercise, the moment i decided to stop exercising, i also completely lost all inhibitions in the dining table, thus why i am back to square one,lol).


- Tip 4) Realistic expectations..From yourself. If you are going to do an exercise plan and a food-restructure (i said the word 'diet' is not allowed,hah) then, do the things you think is more realistic to your kid of life/work/role. If you're a mom,with a job and kids, i cannot imagine you not eating together with your family as solution, so it lessens temptations because, being a mom, value-formation for your kiddos will always be priority. If you work as a nurse with shift work, having a meal-time plan should be stricter,so your stomach can adjust to what is doable for you.

When i started this journey, i knew i could not do "no rice" (besides no carbs is bad for you, it can produce ketones which could lead to kidney stones/ kidney failure). I could not do: slimfast/liquid diets (hell no!), and most of all i could not be vegetarian. so those are very unrealistic for me to do. I knew however, that i could make up by being 'active'. I knew that if i exercise (aerobics via DVD was the initial plan) a bit more, "lessen" the rice habit,and restructure the time i eat, and substituting, maybe, maybe, my mind, would cooperate. i jumped and tried doing it, and it worked. (so far).

today, i eat lesser rice than i used to. i eat according to my exercise. if i ate a lot, then i know i have to work my butt off, then i do. i still eat chocolates, rice (up to a third helping, yes!), ice cream, meat, and cakes, but hell, i know i have to whip myself more if i had a bar of chocolate that day. so its a compromise.

Ok, ok. so far, we know, exercise and a good diet works. But what am i teling you that you do not know already?

ahhh, the magic word : motivation. how do u/i keep it going?

it is a struggle. but somehow, i talk myself around it. but since i've already written a whole novel here, that will be chapter two topic next time.

see you in the gym, loves!


Another PS: see why you should take 'fat' photos of yourself? you need it for your "before" and "after" documentation (*lol).

26th of september 2011

i celebrated turning 35 in my favourite thai restaurant near our other home. we actually celebrated on the 25th, as the 26th was a Monday, and we were travelling to a different part of england on the day.

it was a celebration of many reasons. for turning another year older, for getting my dream rotational post, and for moving to a different part of the country.

the birthday dinner was fun, even though it was just the two of us;-)

--

Sukothai restaurant..

the starter

thai inspired vases

my partner in crime

but of course;-)

prawn pad thai

pork in black bean sauce

yummy food

my fave special rice

another pork dish

they were quiet on a sunday night

happy birthday dearest me;-)

a chicken dish

my pla sam rot.. fish in sweet and sour sauce

**

and the birthday girl..

i can still remember my excitement that night

***

the next day, i started my new job, where i found out, i was so unfit and got so tired by noon. (while fifty-something colleagues walked faster than me,and were breathing normally up and down the stairs. it was a wake up call). topping it all, everyone were so into keeping healthy in my workplace that i couldnt help but get inspired to do the same.

on the 27th, i decided i need to shape up. (well, the above reasons, and a lot more got me into exercise once again).

get active. slow, baby steps. a 1 or 2 year plan to get to my goal weight. no crash dieting, no crash whatsoever, no shortcuts. no dieting,even. (the diet change came when i started losing some weight,and i got even more challenged to do more)

just a lifestyle change. not even an overhaul. and that's another blog altogether.

oh ye of little faith

my contract has arrived through the post today. it waits for me to sign it.

i am worried. i have no faith in myself anymore when it comes to decisions. i have so many people i carry on my back and little things that require my decision just makes me panic.

if you are not taking care of a family, or a husband, then u must think i am crazy for feeling all these. but anyone who are in my position,would perhaps understand.

its like going for something i really really love and not even sure if the effects of this move will affect all the people i have on my list.


**

background:

i applied for this job one crazy early hours of the morning online after writing my thesis (that long ago!!) because i saw it was near commuting for me (thats what i thought!). trust my eyes to read Kings Lynn, as Kings Cross. (so i get confused, the names here are so redundant, one cant help it)

after i hit the SEND button, i saw the word Norfolk. I got confused even further.

in the morning Adrian thought i was crazy applying for a job in Norfolk and said, NO i cannot commute a 6 hour roundtrip drive.

but added, its a beautiful holiday county. i said, i know, my friends go there alot for holidays but i never got interested.

shame, i thought. it offers the best rotation (a term we use for general assignments before we specialize) as it gives me the best of my fave specializations..(paediatrics, stroke, brain injury and trauma and orthopaedics, mental health,etc). it will give me all that specializations after, which u hardly see nowadays being offered.

so i thought, not to feel upset, i will not probably get an interview anyways.


**

got the invite for interview three weeks ago.

Adrian said, attend the interview, because you will get a practice of future interviews. and lets make a day out of it too.

i said, ok, wow! (more excited about the day trip than the interview)

**

friday the 19th came.

the drive there was nice and pleasant. especially passing by beautiful fields.

the hospital was big and so high-tech (what was i thinking?). and everyone are so friendly.

i asked the receptionist where the PT department was, she walked me all the way there. (bonus points!)

i asked her where i could park, she took me there, and wrote for me the lists of places i could kill time, if i want to as i was an hour early. (in London and these parts, you would be lucky if the receptionist will even look your way.--NOT an exaggeration).


**

i was not nervous about the interview. you know, when you go for something you don't really care if u get it or not.

my mindset was id attend it, write down the questions and style of interview and then wait for other interviews to come. (one is on the 9th of september, and one in first week of october but are not as nice as this rotation,sadly).


then i saw the other girls that came and sat near me.

there were 5 of us all recent graduate from different universities. one from Uni of East Anglia, one from Plymouth, from Peterborough, one from Norwhich..

all of us live far bar one the girl who was a Norwhich grad lived in Kings Lynn (Norfolk) and said,she is soon to marry and has a house in Kings Lynn and wishes to get the job (desperately, i might add). In my mind, she's nice, i don't mind giving the job to her.

the rest were friendly, and chatty and were willing to relocate. all of them single so it was easy for relocation (bar me).

the man came out to give us name tags, and congratulated us because we were 5 candidates plucked out of 86 applicants.

told us that the first part of the interview was a practical test and part two was a round-robbin interview done by 7 specialists, and all 5 of us were to go around after 5 minutes of Q&A.

"here goes interview harakiri" i muttered to myself.


**

the last person to interview me asked me: "why did you apply here in Norfolk, u live so far".

i was (partly) honest. i said, "i needed a job that could offer me the best rotation to my name, and since the recession,the NHS has cut down all the budgets for good specializations for newly qualified therapists, which your hospital still offers.".

i did not tell him however that i am an ignoramus to the different towns and counties of England and that Kings Lynn and Kings Cross looked the same on paper and that they both have the same hospital name,too. and that I am NO WAY taking this job too.

he asked again "why OUR hospital?" why not 'James Piaget Hospital down the road, or ".." (i forgot the other one)..

i said " i didn't know they were hiring". ok, this was a big mistake. never under any circumstances answer this way if you were after a job. i thought this man is trying to catch me out. (oh ok, i must have said it better than that, but the gist is, i only applied to their hospital because they were hiring rotational therapists. and i might also have added that "after reading your hospital brochure, i know you offer specialized training to staff which other hospitals do not do anymore).

anyways,he wrote something on his paper and with furrowed brows. i thought this is where i FLUNK the interview.


**

adrian was sat reading his paper in the parking lot (the parking lot is surrounded by parkland, i must add). so he wasn't under the summer sun (which was in full shine that day), so he was under a shady leafy tree.

he said "that was a LONG interview". it was. i left the building by 4:30 pm and by then we were scared we'd get stuck in motorway traffic so we decided to go home and promised to come back another time to do some sightseeing.

how do u think you did? i said im sure i aced the practical test (i do 'hoisting' every day where i work right now).

and the specialist interviews were great (you can tell that the interviewers loved your answers when they start to talk about their own exeperience even if its your interview not theirs,haha)..except the HR person who asked me why i wanted to work in their hospital. i was blunt in telling him that i didnt care which hospital would take me as long as its a nice rotation. but overall, i think i answered 98 percent of what they want from someone.

A: lets charge it to experience.

ME: i shall.


**

saturday

A: what if you get the job?

Me: the plan was to not accept the job...

Me: shame we didnt look around and took pictures its sucha lovely town

A: will go holiday there..



**
sunday

A: i have a feeling you got the job

Me: i do too. but i hope i wont. im scared to move.

A:well, we can talk about it more. its doable.

Me: please, don't confuse me.

- - -

emailed my two friends: Kharla and Leah and they said, yeah, u might have to consider the move.

**

monday am:

they rang the house around 9am.

she told me i got the job i said, can i ring her back.


me: adrian we have to give an answer, id be too embarrassed to say NO they would think i wasted their time

A: they wont tell you off for not taking it. they understand you have to relocate. but, we could move.

me: really?

(we ended up discussing renting a small place in Norfolk, a cottage (in our dreams) and he could garden while i work. go out on evening walks by the field, and go to the farmers market every weekend, and come back to our house here every month)

i ended up accepting the job. the lady on the phone was happy and said, their HR department will be sending the contract for me to sign.

**

ever since monday, i get highs and lows about the move..

that's in another blog altogether.

spring

oh,spring

you are dearly waited for.

i'm excited to see you.

i cannot wait what surprises you hold

for me, my love ones and

my friends.

thank you, in advance.

gotta change

im taking stock of myself lately.

all the self-reflections, the thinking and self admonishing, it all points out to "change".

so many things need to change that it scares me because it just shows how wrong and how uncool i was.


-first and foremost, i need to change my eating habits. but i will not bore you how.

-secondly, my spending habits. i have been buying alot of toot and junk, i dont even use. jsut because they look "cute" or one of my hoarding fetish (read: paper, pens, make up, cutleries,books, etc).

-third, the way i am.

there is being emotionally available. for each and everyone around me. and there is too non dsicriminating emotional- availability that causes self destrcution.

and because of that i expect the same. in reality, that doesnt happen. because thats just impossible.

and the very people who could give you that day in and day out, you dont even appreciate it (my husband).

i need to start focusing and being more attentive and more grateful to people who give me time and attention generously.

first off: Adrian--who never waivers. who never falters. who never stops.

and to people who have always been there from the very beginning.

and in doing so, change in being too demanding, and being too clingy and needy. i shall not be that anymore. its ugly, its self demeaning, and i just end up losing respect for myself.

just saying that, makes me cringe.


-"me" time. i need to be more selfish to be selfless. i cant give something unless i have it. i cannot be happy for someone, if i exhausted up myself to that point of unhappiness.


-emulate Adrian. my sister Ana always said that she loves Adrian's nonchalant attitude. I do too. I am so in awe how he doesnt care what people think. Most of the time, he is oblivious to it. While i am the exact opposite, Maybe thats why my husband is such a "happy" chillled relaxed person, because he caters to his own happiness, and his needs and not caring what others think.


-and i need to stop buying high heels (stilleto -type). nuff said.

(no matter what, i can never wear one, after 1 hour of being in them. i have lost the window of opportunity in my twenties, and now, im doomed to flats and, if lucky and with the right trousers, just platform heels).


***

there are so many more changes i want to mention but i could only keep it to myself for the meantime.


and with that, let the evolution begin.

a new life

*a very old photo..from my D200*

its so exciting to start anew.

you leave past baggages behind.

start anew. clean slate. fresh air.

no wonder alot of people keep changing blogs, my sister included.

i hope this is a beautiful start to something.

and if you're here count yourself lucky.

get ready for one helluva ride.

here's trying, at least.