oh ye of little faith

my contract has arrived through the post today. it waits for me to sign it.

i am worried. i have no faith in myself anymore when it comes to decisions. i have so many people i carry on my back and little things that require my decision just makes me panic.

if you are not taking care of a family, or a husband, then u must think i am crazy for feeling all these. but anyone who are in my position,would perhaps understand.

its like going for something i really really love and not even sure if the effects of this move will affect all the people i have on my list.


**

background:

i applied for this job one crazy early hours of the morning online after writing my thesis (that long ago!!) because i saw it was near commuting for me (thats what i thought!). trust my eyes to read Kings Lynn, as Kings Cross. (so i get confused, the names here are so redundant, one cant help it)

after i hit the SEND button, i saw the word Norfolk. I got confused even further.

in the morning Adrian thought i was crazy applying for a job in Norfolk and said, NO i cannot commute a 6 hour roundtrip drive.

but added, its a beautiful holiday county. i said, i know, my friends go there alot for holidays but i never got interested.

shame, i thought. it offers the best rotation (a term we use for general assignments before we specialize) as it gives me the best of my fave specializations..(paediatrics, stroke, brain injury and trauma and orthopaedics, mental health,etc). it will give me all that specializations after, which u hardly see nowadays being offered.

so i thought, not to feel upset, i will not probably get an interview anyways.


**

got the invite for interview three weeks ago.

Adrian said, attend the interview, because you will get a practice of future interviews. and lets make a day out of it too.

i said, ok, wow! (more excited about the day trip than the interview)

**

friday the 19th came.

the drive there was nice and pleasant. especially passing by beautiful fields.

the hospital was big and so high-tech (what was i thinking?). and everyone are so friendly.

i asked the receptionist where the PT department was, she walked me all the way there. (bonus points!)

i asked her where i could park, she took me there, and wrote for me the lists of places i could kill time, if i want to as i was an hour early. (in London and these parts, you would be lucky if the receptionist will even look your way.--NOT an exaggeration).


**

i was not nervous about the interview. you know, when you go for something you don't really care if u get it or not.

my mindset was id attend it, write down the questions and style of interview and then wait for other interviews to come. (one is on the 9th of september, and one in first week of october but are not as nice as this rotation,sadly).


then i saw the other girls that came and sat near me.

there were 5 of us all recent graduate from different universities. one from Uni of East Anglia, one from Plymouth, from Peterborough, one from Norwhich..

all of us live far bar one the girl who was a Norwhich grad lived in Kings Lynn (Norfolk) and said,she is soon to marry and has a house in Kings Lynn and wishes to get the job (desperately, i might add). In my mind, she's nice, i don't mind giving the job to her.

the rest were friendly, and chatty and were willing to relocate. all of them single so it was easy for relocation (bar me).

the man came out to give us name tags, and congratulated us because we were 5 candidates plucked out of 86 applicants.

told us that the first part of the interview was a practical test and part two was a round-robbin interview done by 7 specialists, and all 5 of us were to go around after 5 minutes of Q&A.

"here goes interview harakiri" i muttered to myself.


**

the last person to interview me asked me: "why did you apply here in Norfolk, u live so far".

i was (partly) honest. i said, "i needed a job that could offer me the best rotation to my name, and since the recession,the NHS has cut down all the budgets for good specializations for newly qualified therapists, which your hospital still offers.".

i did not tell him however that i am an ignoramus to the different towns and counties of England and that Kings Lynn and Kings Cross looked the same on paper and that they both have the same hospital name,too. and that I am NO WAY taking this job too.

he asked again "why OUR hospital?" why not 'James Piaget Hospital down the road, or ".." (i forgot the other one)..

i said " i didn't know they were hiring". ok, this was a big mistake. never under any circumstances answer this way if you were after a job. i thought this man is trying to catch me out. (oh ok, i must have said it better than that, but the gist is, i only applied to their hospital because they were hiring rotational therapists. and i might also have added that "after reading your hospital brochure, i know you offer specialized training to staff which other hospitals do not do anymore).

anyways,he wrote something on his paper and with furrowed brows. i thought this is where i FLUNK the interview.


**

adrian was sat reading his paper in the parking lot (the parking lot is surrounded by parkland, i must add). so he wasn't under the summer sun (which was in full shine that day), so he was under a shady leafy tree.

he said "that was a LONG interview". it was. i left the building by 4:30 pm and by then we were scared we'd get stuck in motorway traffic so we decided to go home and promised to come back another time to do some sightseeing.

how do u think you did? i said im sure i aced the practical test (i do 'hoisting' every day where i work right now).

and the specialist interviews were great (you can tell that the interviewers loved your answers when they start to talk about their own exeperience even if its your interview not theirs,haha)..except the HR person who asked me why i wanted to work in their hospital. i was blunt in telling him that i didnt care which hospital would take me as long as its a nice rotation. but overall, i think i answered 98 percent of what they want from someone.

A: lets charge it to experience.

ME: i shall.


**

saturday

A: what if you get the job?

Me: the plan was to not accept the job...

Me: shame we didnt look around and took pictures its sucha lovely town

A: will go holiday there..



**
sunday

A: i have a feeling you got the job

Me: i do too. but i hope i wont. im scared to move.

A:well, we can talk about it more. its doable.

Me: please, don't confuse me.

- - -

emailed my two friends: Kharla and Leah and they said, yeah, u might have to consider the move.

**

monday am:

they rang the house around 9am.

she told me i got the job i said, can i ring her back.


me: adrian we have to give an answer, id be too embarrassed to say NO they would think i wasted their time

A: they wont tell you off for not taking it. they understand you have to relocate. but, we could move.

me: really?

(we ended up discussing renting a small place in Norfolk, a cottage (in our dreams) and he could garden while i work. go out on evening walks by the field, and go to the farmers market every weekend, and come back to our house here every month)

i ended up accepting the job. the lady on the phone was happy and said, their HR department will be sending the contract for me to sign.

**

ever since monday, i get highs and lows about the move..

that's in another blog altogether.

for James

let me tell you about James.

let me tell you about a man who has the heart for fun, parties and food.

James was always the one asking people if they were busy at the weekend, as he wanted everyone to gather and share stories of the week over food and booze.

he was always the one coming over the (radio) station where i worked in and asked if we were hungry,or if we needed something,he would be able to bring over.

that was 1997-1999. i was a radio dj in a local radio station, and i was working with a bunch of others who, like me, fell for this charmer of a man, such a happy spirit,and so infectious for his love of life. he was a holding thread for everyone.

every weekend, or everytime it was someone's birthday, it would always be a 'sugba-sugba' at james' lovely house at Pardo, a wooden Spanish inspired style house with a big balcony perfect for intimate gatherings or a big ballroom, whatever the occasion.

James, became the Godfather of sorts by the gang, and he was always a permanent fixture at the station, he practically became one of the crew (apart from his partner being one of the djs).

james was also the go-to man when one of the dj's was short of the budget, or he was the voice of reason when one of the crew fell out with another. he always had the wisdom to let both parties know what matters most and whats immaterial. maybe it was his experience as a good businessman and maybe years of having had a been-there-done-that attitude.


today, James taught me again that for all the frills and whatnots of this very short life of ours, its important to remember what is, and who are important in our lives.

thank you,James. for reminding me that life is too short for anger and bitterness.

and let me tell you more about James, he died from stroke (brain haemorrhage) yesterday.

it seems the heavens just needed someone so important to organize their get togethers for them.

a photo grabbed from one of my friends' site. we all miss James.

***

today an email from an ex-colleague friend woke me up telling me about his passing.

he will be remembered for all good reasons.

and yes, do hug your friends, and love ones as tight as you can.

breakfast

it all starts with what i have for the morning.

or whether i have one at all.

99% of the time, i have cereal or oats (doctor's orders).

but when my sister was around, it was a happy disorder of cereals/oats in some days, toasted bread on some others, cheese and crackers/bread on some, and most often that not on weekends, its the comforting taste of home (tocino, meatloaf,cornedbeef or longganisa with garlicky fried rice). (wait! sometimes its a full english fry up)

i felt an overwhelming urge to bawl my eyes out this morning when i was eating my breakfast alone (adrian has left for work, and i was running late for university).

i had my first cereal bowl since my sister left and it tasted 'cardboardy' than ever.

you know when you just wanted to cry because all emotions you were trying to hold came flooding at once?

i gave in.

suddenly, my breakfast tasted salty. watery salty.

and perhaps it will be for some time.


***


sometimes, you need to mourn some things.

lost time.

lost chances.

and lost opportunities.

and definitely, breakfasts that never will be again.




i will miss my longganisa breakfasts with egg and mushrooms




i will miss sharing these with my sister...


**

i miss my sister..

and Adrian was sentimental when he read the letter she left us.

yesterday, Adrian went clothes shopping in bulk (for him). bless my husband, he is like that when he is stressing.

he also did that (bulk buying) the day mom/ana/and roi left us the first time to go back home.

retail therapy..who needs a shrink?

the end of an era

2 months.

that fast.

it came and went like it was just 2 weeks.

for the first month it was laidback and chilled. the second month was fastpacked and filled with activities and our heads were spinning like mad.

even at the time i was supposed to be in bed because i was ill,i wasn't in bed,i was out and seeing places with the sister and Big A. yes, there were some rejuggling of schedules, but it didn't stop us from doing things out and about. just apart from crowds who i could infect with with my cough.

i told Adrian, that i will never shop nor eat out again for the next 6 months as i feel i've overdone it. it shows on my bank balance and my waist measurement. but all were part of the fun. things are better enjoyed when shared with love ones (especially if they're only visiting for a certain time).

the plus side,my sister and I have grown even closer this time as she and i never had so much time on our twosome ever, in her adult life.

the downside, i never am good with goodbyes. or change. or someone leaving me. this makes it harder.

overall, i would never change any single bit of her visit. (although, i wished, her stay would have been 3 months instead of 2).


***

i just got back from a picking my sister up from her night out with one of her friends (a daughter of my friend) here. it made me realise how 'old' i am.

im such a 'manang'.

although S volunteered to pick up Ana and bring her car, i insisted to drive them to and from the place. Nevermind if the place was at least 18 miles away from where we live. First because i know S drinks, and i dont want any drink-driving. Second, i want to know where this place was where they were going. (hey, this isn't Cebu you know, where i know people that i could text to watch my sibs,LOL).

After having a quiet send off meal for Ana at one of our favourite Thai restaurants, I took Ana and S to the dance club where they were meeting more friends a t10:30 pm. I went home and arrived at 11:45 pm. Waited for 1:15 AM to leave and pick them up again.

Adrian and I watched TV while we waited, and he was joking, it reminded him of having his teenage sons.LOL. Fancy doing that chauffeuring your children to their places of partying before they could drive.

Wow. Parents are amazing people.



***

Good thing the two were very good, they rang me on my mobile at 10 minutes before 2 am, whilst i was driving and told them to just wait for me outside the club.

They were jolly as monkeys and a little bit tipsy,but were taking pictures inside the car.

I looked at my very 'happy' sister and i thought: "uh oh, someone's going to get a headache tomorrow on her flight".


***

I could say, my life altered drastically for 2 months. I was busy in a different way. It was more "fun" busy than 'work' busy. Albeit costly and sometimes outrageous, yet all something memorable for my sister and i. Its nice to be indulged by a very generous husband too who keeps frowning if we were staying in. (only to find out upon coming home, he just wanted us out coz he wanted the telly to himself to watch football,haha..that or a quiet day without women fighting for his attention while he works on his garden/paperstuff.)

***

After tomorrow night, it'll be just Adrian and I again, on our twosome, to cinemas and restaurants.

Adrian said to me tonight "im having empty-nest syndrome", as Ana became our experimental child/friend/house guest all in one,haha.

And it'll be only me on my lonesome now going to hair salons, clothes and shoe panic buying, and cosmetic shopping (although i think i shouldn't be going to any shops for the next few weeks. The husband draws the line on make-up buying,haha).

Gone are the afternoons after my university class, to rush to the mall and grab an outfit for the next day's museum traipsing or catching the latest cinema show that captures our fancy.

Gone are the sushi mondays. Gone are the make me up, ill make you up sessions.


Definitely, its the end of an era.



***


What's the story on your part?


Love,laughter and positive chakras,


Rx





this was taken two weeks ago...in one of our historical england trips.







how do you carry a heavy camera around your neck and still suck your stomach? you cant. exhibit A.
the sisters and A in the background, surveying the grounds like the caretaker.